Several years ago a friend mentioned a book to me entitled
“Parenting in the Pew” by Robbie Castleman.
Not being one who regularly reads parenting how-to books, I didn’t think
much of the reference at the time. Plus
the fact that Gracy didn’t exist yet and Drew was barely out of the nursery and
just beginning to participate in the children’s programming at church. Why should the title have sparked my
interest? Parenting in the pew, as the
title suggests, wasn’t an area of particular concern for me back then.
Fast forward to about six months ago when I had a
conversation with a different friend, and we were discussing concerns we shared
about our children – especially those centered on our kids’ spiritual growth
and experiences growing up in the church – and she mentioned Castleman’s book
to me. This time the title definitely
got my attention, and I thought back to the earlier conversation when my other
friend had mentioned it years before. I
began to wonder “What is it these women (mothers, and good mothers at that)
know that I don’t know?”
A few days later I was in Elizabeth’s office asking if she
had a copy of it and, of course, she did.
More than one copy. (I still have
it, Elizabeth, and it’s dog-eared and highlighted with scribbles in the margins
– I owe you one.) I took it home and
read it that night. And some parts of it
a second time. I’ve just finished it
again this week while on vacation, and it’s amazing how differently it spoke to
me this time, just since several months have passed. I apologize in advance for referencing so
much (I’m not joking) of what the author says.
I am a beginner level of this process, so I’m not about to pass any idea
off as my own.
“Parenting in the Pew” is simply about that. Parenting.
In the pew. Castleman writes in
the first chapter, “Parenting in the pew helps you pay attention to the most
important thing you could ever train your child to do: worship. Worship is the only thing we get to do
forever.” Boy, these two sentences hit
me hard, and they completely changed the way I view children in church.
For me, discovering this book happened at a time when David
and I were struggling somewhat with feeling like Drew was too old to attend
Children’s Church any longer, but also too young to be able to get anything out
of sitting through “big church”. Not to
mention that having him with us in the pew was (and still can be) distracting
(for us and others around us I’m sure), frustrating, and I felt like all I was
ever doing during the service was leaning down saying “Shhhh, you need to stop
talking!” or “Stop doing that! Be
still!” Castleman teaches that parents,
as well as the entire congregation (remember those baptismal vows Elizabeth is
always referring to?), have a tremendous opportunity – no, an obligation – to show
children what it is to worship, and that worshipping is for
God’s
glory and not about what we get out of it. Castleman states, “Worship means that for a
time all else is set aside to be with Jesus, the Bridegroom of the church – to
be together with him. To be alive in his
presence!” This is not an easy task.
She talks a lot about how “going to church” is viewed in our
society, and lays it out like this: “It has been said that modern people
worship their work, work at their play, and play at their worship.” Ouch!
Another jarring statement. She
asks a very simple question: “Why do we
go to church?” Well, why do we? Some answers we find ourselves giving might
be: It’s the right thing to do… It helps refuel us for the coming week… Some of us may have made a promise to God
that if He would “just get us through this” we would go to church more… Or, it’s just what we’ve always done. Using Psalm 46:10, “Be still and know that I
am God”, Castleman distinguishes between “going to church” and “going to
worship” and defines in a biblical way what worship is. She says, “Worship requires a
life-transformation and happens out of a new heart, not an old habit.” A new heart, NOT an old habit. This was pretty obvious to me the first time
I read it, but it begins to sit a little differently if you chew on it a
while.
So with all this in mind, how do we begin what may be the
most challenging area of child-rearing and start to change what is sometimes the
most exasperating hour of the week? Let’s
face it – Sunday mornings are hard. I’m
sure other parents can relate to feeling completely exhausted by the time we
pull into the parking lot before Sunday School!
Saturday nights are late, church clothes seem to never be clean or
ironed, everyone is cranky by the time you get in the car. Castleman
acknowledges the challenges of real-life Sunday mornings – it doesn’t come
easy. BUT…… “It is difficult to worship
on the leftover energy of a long week and a late Saturday. The Sunday-morning encounter with God is
worthy of our best energy, not our least.”
So true! This statement comes out
of Chapter 4 which is entitled “Sunday Morning Starts Saturday Night”. Enough said.
Don’t get me wrong… I’m not
saying that it’s ever that simple – it takes practice and the commitment to
being diligent and deliberate. And even
though Dave and I are practicing every week, we are by no means masters of
Sunday mornings. Far from it. Castleman says that it’s ultimately a question
of motivation. She says, “If you don’t
have a deep motivation, an unshakable reason, for training your children to
worship, participation will be hollow, practice will be inconsistent, and
patience will be nonexistent.” An unshakable reason. For me personally, this unshakable reason is
the deep desire for my children’s salvation and their own personal lifelong
relationship with Jesus Christ. I have
found that when this reason for training my children to worship is at the
forefront of my mind, my attitude about Sunday mornings is changed. After a hurried and fussy morning before we
even get to church, I (often)have to stop myself and sometimes do a
“reboot”. Again from Chapter 4,
Castleman asks these questions: “Are you
eager or going through the motions? Are
you profoundly grateful for the saving work of Christ on the cross…. Are you
more conscious of how God sees you in worship than of how others see you in
church? Is worship time priority
time?” I can just imagine someone official
looking standing outside the doors of the church on Sunday mornings with a
clipboard ready to ask each of us these questions upon entering the
building. Like it’s a test. If we don’t answer the questions “correctly”,
we’re not allowed in. It kind of makes
me laugh to think about it this way, but these are the things we truly need to
be thinking of when we go to worship. Are
our hearts really ready for worship? One
final thought Castleman offers about preparation of our homes and hearts for
Sunday worship is something she impressed on her sons when they were young and
“in training”: “God is present. He is looking at you, and he cares about how
you show him that you love him, that you think he is special.” She goes on to say, “God sees me. So do my children.” Pretty weighty reminders, huh?
So it’s Sunday morning, we made it on time, we’re sitting on
row 4 (I grew up sitting there – I’m a creature of habit), Gracy is tucked away
in the nursery, Sunday School was great, worship is about to begin, everything
is good, and all Drew wants to do is pretend the pew pencils are light sabers….
Good grief. Or he is already asking “When is church going
to be over?” when it hasn’t even
started!! Here we go again…. “Shhhh, you
need to stop talking! Stop doing that –
be still!!” Castleman writes, “One of
the biggest challenges for parenting in the pew is training children to pay
attention to what is happening – the worship of God – and making them a part of
it.” My initial response to this
statement was “Alright, lady, YOU come and ‘train’ my seven year-old Star Wars
addict to pay attention and make him a part of worship. I can’t even get him to sit still!” I mean seriously, how can I even pay attention
myself, much less truly worship, when I’m so distracted? I completely agree with the “what” and the
“why” of parenting in the pew, but the “how”….
The “how” just seemed beyond me. But
I kept reading. She drives home the fact
that this training is very hard work, probably the hardest, but we shouldn’t
focus on training our children just to be quiet and still. “Too many adults who learned how to be quiet
in church [as children] are still doing just that. And many of them are passing this along to
their children. A family can learn to
sit still very well, but be unmoved by the holy presence of God.” Castleman discusses ways to actually engage
children in the worship service so that in time the experience takes on new
depth and meaning. Ways she suggests to
do this are to encourage them to listen to the scripture (or read it from the
Bible themselves), participating in the Call to Worship, the corporate prayers,
responsive readings, and listening for the stories in the sermons. Obviously there is a wide range of
comprehension and reading skills when you’re talking about a child of four or
five years old and one who is twelve or older.
Castleman addresses all of that, but also says, “If children are trained
to participate at a young age, their sense of belonging and paying attention
[when they’re older] is more natural. Worshiping
together with persistence and time, Castleman says, “…my children and I have
become friends before the throne of grace…. In the presence of our Father, my
sons have become my brothers.” How
amazing is that? The thought of truly
becoming brothers and sisters in Christ with our children is
overwhelming!!
Castleman discusses many other topics relating to children
in worship – from her opinion on the ages of children and when it’s appropriate
for small children to begin attending worship, her thoughts on letting her
children sit with friends, Children’s Church, her thoughts on children’s
participation in the Lord’s Supper, teaching children to tithe, and choir, to
prayer and various aspects of it.
As I said, this book changed the way I view children in
church. Actually, it truly changed the
way I view my job as a parent. No
turning back now! I also said before
that I’m a beginner at parenting in the pew, and I probably always will be. Practice only makes progress, not
perfection. Thank goodness! Castleman
says, “Parenting in the pew goes better some weeks than others, for as many
reasons as there are parents and kids.
Being consistent is never easy.
We all get tired.” I will get
tired. A lot. And the process starts two-fold on row 4
pretty soon when Gracy is old enough to start attending worship. I’m already tired thinking about
THAT! There will be Sundays when I’m
ready to throw up my hands and cry “Uncle!!!”
However, I am confident that the rewards of being consistent and
PERsistent through this part of raising my children will be beyond
measure.
I want to encourage all parents, grandparents, or just
anyone to read this book. It’s an easy
read, it’s practical, it’s theologically sound, and it may change your
perspective of children as well.
“Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will
not depart from it.” Proverbs 22:6
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