Heidi Bethel- Parenting: Rules or Grace?

What are your parenting goals? We all have them, whether consciously or not. Are you trying to raise your children to live happy, fulfilling and comfortable lives? To be good citizens? To be successful? These are all good and worthy goals. But are they impacting your child's heart? Are the values taught in your home based on worldly values or Christian values?

I have two daughters. Ella (2 1/2) is a sweet little pixie who loves to sing. She will sing anything and everything and sometimes you can even understand the words. Recently during swim lessons she led a group of kids in "Twinkle Twinkle little star" while they waited their turn with the instructor. She is also so mischievous! While I was on the phone the other day she climbed out of the bathtub and ran around the house naked and soapy (don't tell Bob!) She is a typical 2 year old who can be giggly and fun one minute and in full tantrum mode the next.

Leola, who just turned 5, is a self-proclaimed ballerina princess. This summer I have let her dress herself pretty much only to give myself a break from the constant battle over Cinderella dress v. appropriate attire. So, if you run into us in a public place please do not judge. Apparently a bathing suit and tutu are appropriate attire for a ballerina princess these days. But my sweet, creative little girl also has a very strong will (definitely gets it from Bob) and makes Ella's tantrums pale in comparison. I can't even count the times we have left a party, event, church, etc. crying and screaming! I'm not winning mommy of the year any time soon!

As much joy as my girls bring me, I can get just as equally frustrated and downright angry when they misbehave, especially in public. When I step back and analyze this, I realize the source of my unholy anger is my own desire to look like I have it all together as a parent. But I didn't come to this realization on my own. Over the past few years, through Sunday School classes, sermons and reading scripture and a variety of books, I have been convicted about my tendency to be the "elder brother"- as in the story of the prodigal son. In fact, its not just a tendency, its my "default mode."

In the parable, the elder brother becomes irate when his younger brother returns to the family after irresponsibly squandering his inheritance. He not only rejects his younger sibling, but chastises his father for extending grace and welcoming back the younger with open arms and a feast. In his book, The Prodigal God, Timothy Keller writes, "The hearts of the two brothers were the same. Both sons resented their father's authority and sought ways of getting out from under it. They each wanted to get into a position in which they could tell the father what to do. Each one, in other words, rebelled- but one did so by being very bad and the other by being extremely good. Both were alienated from the father's heart; both were lost sons...Neither son loved the father for himself. They both were using the father for their own self-centered ends rather than loving, enjoying, and serving him for his own sake. This means that you can rebel against God and be alienated from him either by breaking his rules or by keeping all of them diligently."

This tendency, of course, affects the way I parent. I am so concerned with the outward behavior of my children that I very often neglect to mold their tender hearts. This is a serious mistake, for the heart determines behavior. One of my parenting go-to books is Shepherding a Child's Heart by Tedd Tripp. In it, Tripp points out that scripture tells us that behavior isn't the issue. The basic issue is always what's going on in your heart. He writes, "the heart is the wellspring of life. Therefore parenting is concerned with shepherding the heart. You must learn to work from the behavior you see, back to the heart, exposing heart issues for your children...you must help your kids gain a clear focus on the cross of Christ." He goes on to say, "you must equip your children to function in a culture that has abandoned the knowledge of God. If you teach them to use their abilities, aptitudes, talents, and intelligence to make their lives better, without reference to God, you turn them away from God... From their earliest days, they must be taught that they are creatures made in the image of God- made for God. They must learn that they will only 'find themselves' as they find Him."

Another parenting book I've been reading, Give them Grace by Elyse M. Fitzpatrick and Jessica Thompson, a mother and daughter team, says that even though we may believe and live out the gospel of grace outside the home, at home we tend to teach that Christianity is all about behavior. Our children need to know that when they disobey or struggle with a habitual sin, they need a rescuer to help them. They cannot do it on their own. "Grace, or the free favor that has been lavished on us through Christ, ought to make our parenting radically different from what unbelievers do. That's because the good news of God's grace is meant to permeate and transform every relationship we have, including our relationship with our children...we are all (parents and children) both radically sinful and radically loved. At the deepest level of what we do as parents, we should hear the heartbeat of a loving, grace-giving Father who freely adopts rebels and transforms them into loving sons and daughters."

I am not saying that we shouldn't discipline. But as you discipline, temper it with words of grace and love. I know of a little boy who once told his mother that there must be something wrong with him because he did things he knew he shouldn't do and didn't do things he knew he should do. His mother gently laughed and then replied, "you are beginning to experience what we all go through. What I go through every day! But, you know what? God loves us and accepts us anyway." This enabled the boy to relax and rest in the knowledge of the grace and love of God and to see that discipline is not a sign of God's anger and rejection but of his love and acceptance.

So, what are your parenting goals? Are they guided by worldly values or gospel-based values? Are you emphasizing rules without balancing them with the gospel of grace? At home we read The Jesus Storybook Bible by Sally Lloyd Jones because it so clearly articulates how every story in the Bible from Genesis to Revelation is about Jesus, our rescuer and savior. Here is a quote from the intro:

Now, some people think the Bible is a book of rules, telling you what you should and shouldn't do. The Bible certainly does have some rules in it. They show you how life works best. But the Bible isn't mainly about you and what you should be doing. It's about God and what he has done. Other people think the Bible is a book of heroes, showing you people you should copy. The Bible does have some heroes in it, but...most of the people in the Bible aren't heroes at all. They make some big mistakes (sometimes on purpose), they get afraid and run away. At times they are downright mean. No, the Bible isn't a book of rules, or a book of heroes. The Bible is most of all a Story. It's an adventure story about a young Hero who comes from a far country to win back his lost treasure. It's a love story about a brave Prince who leaves his palace, his throne- everything- to rescue the one he loves. It's like the most wonderful of fairy tales that has come true in real life.

Sounds like something my little ballerina princess can relate to!